I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
