sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
