Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
