I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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