he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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