Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
