A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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