Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
