I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
