hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
