I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
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