she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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