I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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