I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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