please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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