im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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