If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
