You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
