You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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