I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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