I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
