I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Buhtt sex?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
