I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
