This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
