I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
