Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
