:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize