I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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