I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
