My first STD was from a foam party
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
