At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
