I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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