I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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