I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
