I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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