Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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