He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
