i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
