Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
