I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
A+ Viking dick
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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