I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
