im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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