My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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