What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
