I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
