made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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