I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
