Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize