when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
