I can text with my tongue
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
