i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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