FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
