I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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