It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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