I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
