the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
