A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
