Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
