Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
