i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
