You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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