Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize