I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
