I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
