my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
