Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
