Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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