It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
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