What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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