i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
wow bdsm is so cute
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
